Sorrow
This was our second experience burying a loved one in Israel. Walking up to the cemetary, seeing the freshly dug up grave with hard and dry rocks around, I felt my heart pumping in my chest, and rather quickly. It's a beat I notice when I'm anxious or very upset. It is wildly unpleasant and reminds me of my own being - - the inner life of our own bodies that we forget has a life of its own.
An inner life that went so out of wack, it wreaked pain on the outside, empathy, exhaustion, fear and uncertainty. For two years.
Rather focusing this post on loss, I'd like to focus on gain, measures of support and divine intervention.
1) We have amazing neighbors and community, throughout Israel that showed up. The chapel wasn't empty. It was full. In the middle of a work-day. This is unique to mankind, and a reminder how often my mom would tell us the cup is half full and not to despair.
2) We, my sisters, my mother's sister and grandchildren were given the gift of time. It isn't as much the gift of watching death, rather the lucid pockets in between of things along this journey where even in the pain, the soul and character itself speaks.
Any way to die, isn't nice. A good friend warned me earlier that it is ugly, but to look between the lines. Time, is the only part that let's you do it. In the thick of it, it's hard to see it, admittedly so.
3) Prayer. A reminder this morning that mankind, in of itself, those who are kind, pull you back up. This morning, a coworker from 8 years ago wrote me the following:
We are still thinking about your family in this tough time. In the Catholic Church, November is the month of the Commemoration of All the Faithful Departed. I should have asked first, and I hope you don’t mind, but I added your parents’ names to the Book of Commemoration at St. Brigid’s in Lexington (see attached). We are all praying for you and your family.
Our best to you all.
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A woman of the faith, my mother would not answer phone calls while she prayed. She believed in prayer and that the heavens listens. How lucky we have a guidebook to turn to at anytime. And when it's taken from you during the Jewish Onen period, you oddly crave it, to seek some comfort. It's the one time you are instructed not to pray or obligated to mitzvot. In hindsight this is to guide to understanding that the judgment itself, stands alone in its own universe till the burial.
4) The power of a smile. As I sat, feeling so empty, confused, upset, I looked above mom's body. The speaker asked that there be a point that no tear should be shed on our cheeks and that we should be given comfort. In that exact moment I wondered, how.
Above the body, I noticed two windows above a quote. This meant nothing to me. As I looked closer, I noticed that it resembled a smile.
In good times and bad, my mother would always ask me to perk up and that all would be good. It was a profound sign, reminder and one in dire need. That a smile can go a long way, change attitude even if inside everything feels like it is falling apart.
5) Being it no mistake, November is pancreatic cancer awareness month. One of the deadliest, as it is silent and found too late, our mother was in constant care for lymphoma. She was cured of that. Went through many pet scans. How it appeared, when, does not occupy my mind as much as seeing the will when to fight, accept the fragility of life and natural cycle that includes death. Our mother did not want to die, often saying she would not mevateret (giving up) on her living. But even she, would tell me we don't get to choose how or when. Through this realization, I gained the importance to live in the moment, as you simply can't control what will be next.
Ima, Savta, we love you. In my flashbacks, I'll see that of the smiling window. Thank you for the biggest sign, or made up workings in my psyche that spoke to me at the biggest low of life.
אנחנו ביחד. בזכותך
תנצב"ה
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